Navigating the Challenge

Yay! I've met my end of March goal :D

2008-02-25T22:26:00.002-05:00

One of the positive things that I incorporate into my life these past few months is exercise. I've been trying to exert more effort to add physical activities to my day. My goal was to reach 122 Ibs by end of March. Guess what? I weighed earlier and I'm 121.6 Ibs. Yay! My weight when I started was 129.3 Ibs and that was four months ago. It was definitely a slow process but I don't mind it! Go me! To all of us, we can definitely do it!

Been away... hopefully for the better

2008-02-24T01:40:00.004-05:00

I've been away again for a long time. Maybe I was hiding. Maybe my mind is so cluttered I cannot form my words. I've done a lot of thinking. I've started many posts but didn't end up finishing them or didn't have the courage to post for the world to see. I've read about differences between men and women in relationships, in how they think, etc. In these gender generalizations, although I'm a woman I always identified myself as more of a masculine type. For example, when I have problems, I keep them to myself instead of chatting about it with girlfriends or other people. So yes, I was "caving" these past few months. And yes, I can open up right now because I have sort some issues and make some sense out of them.

I want to be a better me. After graduate school, I have lost a big chunk of my self-confidence that I felt lost of who I was before graduate school. As I started my postdoc, I felt elated and relieved that I am finally done with school. However, as I get settled in my new position, waves of fear and anxiety set in and I felt drowning into them. I did not face my fears head on during graduate school that they continue to affect me now.

I choose to face them now. I choose to be reunited with who I really am. I choose to dream again.

Here and There

2007-12-14T23:19:00.002-05:00

My top guilty foods of

5. Soda
4. Mocha Cappucino
3. Buffalo Wings
2. Doritos
1. Cake

I'm thankful for the following things today:
- sleeping and waking-up with my sweetie.
- taking morning shower with my sweetie
- having my coffee prepared by my sweetie
- being dropped off to work by my sweetie
- being able to work at my current institute
- being able to be productive (one of the times I feel pretty good about it)
- chatting with people at work
- attending a party
- having supportive partner...

Random thoughts about my work habits

2007-12-03T12:38:00.001-05:00

I have high level of anxiety on finishing up research-related activities, particularly working with my PhD advisor.

After thinking about my working habits, I've realized that the causes of my anxiety are

fear of rejection/failure: I'm having difficulty admitting to a mistake, esp. my research
fear of success: I cannot sustain my accomplishments

I tend to procrastinate, put things off until the last-minute and then tell myself that it's fine that the the quality of my work is not the best because I only did it within a short period of time anyway. I rationalize it that the task gets done anyway and that is what is important. For awhile, I actually felt good that I was able to finish tasks without putting a lot of effort (i.e. time)

I am not enjoying how things are going anymore.

I don't like feeling paralyzed/numb/stiff as well as the increase in heart rate due to stress
I don't like the feeling after I finished an activity - I felt drained and very much low energy
I don't like feeling unsatisfied with my work because I know I could have done better
I don't like feeling inadequate

I would like to

feel confident of my work
enjoy my accomplishments (not just the outcome but also the process itself)
feel that I have improved as a researcher/scientist

Life is a continuous challenge. I want to try to

not procrastinate anymore (big time), that is, whenever I am given a task, I should a clear idea of the expectations of the task. Then, I should be able to identify the steps that needs to be taken to finish the task
improve skills by practicing
do a more focused work - try to eliminate distractions

What do you do?

2007-11-06T17:15:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those days when I started the day with so much energy hoping to mark things off from my list of things to do for the day. Yet, I felt myself dragging as the day goes on. I don't know when things started to go wrong. Is it when I remembered that I still didn't receive the "favor" that I ask from my previous groupmate and it has been three weeks already? Or is it when my calculations going nowhere? The entire day, I feel the numbness circulating my entire being. I really find this irritating. What do you do for days like this?

I am interested to know how people manage multiple projects simultaneously. How do you organize your time for data gathering, learning new skills/techniques, reading journal articles, etc, etc?

I guess I still have learn to find my "balance".

I'm BACK!

2007-11-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

I am back and hopefully with more vigor.

The last time I posted in this blog was right after my defense and that was a little over two months ago. What have I been doing since then? Well, a week after my defense, I moved to Postdoc City and started my postdoc position right away. It had been crazy finishing up, packing, unpacking, adjusting to the new city, and adjusting to the new research advisor and group. Last week, my doctoral institution had just conferred my degree. It is now official, hooray! I feel it wierd that it just felt gold (but not really in an ecstatic way). I was thinking that maybe after all the hard work that I have put in, then the satisfaction should be greater or something :D

In my next posts I would like to tackle the challenges of being a postdoc. I am big on balancing different aspects of life so maybe I will also write about the different areas of my life.

Right now, I would just like to say that it felt good to post again.

Yay! Defense is done.

2007-08-24T17:39:00.000-05:00

of course, it didn't come easy; some bruises here and there.

I feel so relieved that thing thing is finally out of my way. Right now, all I want to do is rest and maybe party the rest of the weekend....

Go me!

help!

2007-08-19T01:45:00.000-05:00

This will be really quick. It has been really crazy this past few days; I am averaging only about 4 hours sleep, a far cry from my usual 8-9 hours of sleep! This is definitely a huge cramming time for me. I have just distributed a copy of my dissertation (incorporated all of my major advisor's corrections) to each of the committee members. My defense is scheduled in a week! There are definitely times I am tempted to postpone. I have my slides prepared already. I need to work on my talk and study the materials. Any advice on how to prepare and stay sane until D-day?

aahhhhhh

2007-07-27T17:08:00.001-05:00

this dissertation is really getting under my skin. i'm as cranky as ever! all i want to do now is cry....

hating the writing right now

2007-07-26T18:40:00.000-05:00

I am really starting to hate this dissertation writing. Take note of my choice of word, hate. Yes, I am having that strong emotion right now. For those people who know me, this is sort of surprising because I don't usually use this word, I try as much as possible to eliminate this in my vocabulary. Aahhh....

I worked very hard this week, much more than my normal. Yesterday, I worked at 1-8:30 pm then resume from 10 till 3 in the morning but the writing is still very much far from being done. This is the most number of hours that I have worked in the recent months. Everytime I feel that I finished something, there are at least ten more other things that I have yet to do.

I have to calm myself down, this is exactly what I need. I will designate tonight as a downtime, no disseration-related activities. Hopefully, tomorrow I will feel more relaxed and rested.

writing dilemma

2007-07-24T14:58:00.000-05:00

I desperately need to write the subsection DF. This is really the heart of my delaying and procrastinating attitude in the last few weeks. The task is just so daunting for me. There are so many things I need to decide.

* How do I organize it?
* Will I follow my advisor’s convention or other people’s convention? I’m in such dilemma, the thing is I am more comfortable using the other people’s convention and this is what I did in my research but my advisor will surely have difficulty with this (not that he is not capable, just not his style). There are also several other subtle differences that I need to decide on which one to present in my dissertation. The presentation should be cohesive!
* Too much information. What should be in the appendix and what should be in the section?
* Do I need to be as detailed as I can be?
* Any models I can follow?

Just write, write, write! It doesn’t have to be the final piece right away. Present everything whatever I think needs to be discussed and then decide later which will go to the main text, appendix, etc

Even though I really find this particular writing task very overwhelming, I will not quit!

Summer Update

2007-07-23T14:23:00.000-05:00

Realistically, I have five more weeks to go before the summer semester ends. This means that I have five weeks to finish and hand in my draft to my advisor, to incorporate my advisor’s comments and revisions, to submit dissertation copy to each of the committee members, to prepare my slides for the talk, to study for the defense, to give (and hopefully pass) the defense, to incorporate final revisions, and lastly to submit the final copy to graduate school.

I am in so much mixed emotions right now. There are moments I feel empowered and confident but most of the time, I feel apprehensive, anxious, and disheartened. I wish I could just sit around and the dissertation will be done in its own way. This is so unrealistic. As the deadlines are looming in the corner, I am becoming more and more withdrawn from the project. I am still having trouble sleeping. In addition, I find myself more and more distracted.

With this realization, I have to make self-imposed changes. I should strive harder to refocus on finishing. I know I cannot do this in one shot. This week will be the hell week for me. All my time and energy should be directed to this goal. Specific things to help me get done: (at least for this week ) working at nights, no facebook-ing and friendster-ing, no reading online news, and no reading of other people’s blogs . I will allow myself to post more in my blog so I will be able to process what’s on my mind.

Business as usual

2007-07-21T12:44:00.000-05:00

My list for this weekend (ambitious but attainable):

Home improvement project - paint dining/family room

Dissertation
– encode MM corrections
– write DF
– write CI
– encode DF and CI

By painting, it means cleaning the room, moving furniture and exercise machine, and throwing some stuff.

In order to cross off these goals from the list, I need to focus and concentrate on things at hand, to be efficient, and to follow through. Let’s see what I will accomplish.

******************

Update: The home improvement project took the entire weekend, there was just too much stuff to do there. Consequently, no dissertation writing progress had been made. *sad*

early morning woes

2007-07-21T00:36:00.000-05:00

For Pete's sake, I want to sleep!

I was feeling all groggy all day because I woke up three to four hours after I went to bed and I had difficulty going back to sleep. I don't usually have this problem. I am supposed to be deep sleeper for crying out loud. Well, the culprit is my swollen (red) left foot due to several big mosquito/insect bites. My right foot has some bites too but not nearly as bad as the left one. When I went to school today, my sandals would not even fit!

Yes, I am whining right now because I feel very tired after a long week's work and this weekend is going to be busy. I went to bed earlier but couldn't go to sleep so after long day of discomfort, itching, and pain, I decided to be more aggressive. I took some anti-inflammatory over-the-counter drugs, applied ice on the affected areas, and desperately looked for some anti-itch medication, more than the neosporin, around the house. I remember I bought some before but I can't pinpoint where I put them (I was moving my stuff all summer). Alas, I found it at the trunk of my car, the feeling is so liberating. Now, I will be ready for my sleep.

Weather Forecast

2007-07-17T22:21:00.000-05:00

"Isolated severe thunderstorm are expected. Large hail with damaging wind are possible"

This was my boyfriend's description of me if I were a weather after my very sudden outburst last night. Oh well, I cannot help but laugh! I guess there is some truth in it. Everything is going great and I am feeling great then, in just a snap of a finger, I get pretty pissed off (of course, there is a stimulant for this reaction).

On the bright side of things, I feel that I am learning how to communicate better. In my personal relationships, I have tried with great deal of effort saying the things that make me upset rather than just sulking and trying to cheer myself up. In addition, last week, I was able to tell my PhD advisor/boss that I am not available for his suggested group's get-together date and suggested other times. It worked! For me, this is big because I am always tongue-tied whenever my boss say something. This is certainly a learning process, a constant struggle, to me. I still have long way to go!

Pact with Myself

2007-07-15T19:56:00.000-05:00

I will not visit AbsurdWebsite until I my final defense is over. I don't have an exact date yet but it will be sometime before the end of August. I hope I will be able to exercise self-discipline. Wish me luck :D

Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst

2007-07-14T00:17:00.000-05:00

A few days back, I visited the city where I will be doing my postdoc to find a place to stay and at the same time to be formally introduced to the group. This was my first visit and my main goal is really to feel the city. For now, I will call the city, the Neat City. The short visit, only two-day swing, was sort of planned hastily and I would have really wanted to make it a longer one.

Anyway, before leaving town, I already made some appointments with different apartment places. BF is coming with me as he will be also moving to the Neat City (well, not right away but soon after me). We left town early morning and projected that if things go smoothly, we will be there two hours before our first appointment. Things had been very smooth and we were almost celebrating and then suddenly just after the second to the last exit #?*!?%!$**?%* traffic jam, the worst traffic jam I ever witnessed. The 2.5 miles left before the final exit took us over three hours! We ended up NOT making our appointment. The guy whom we have appointment with was not totally agreeable. We were pretty pissed off with the entire ordeal already but we just could not call the (looking for apartment) thing off as we did not have the luxury of time. Fortunately, our next appointment pushed through and the guy, sort of realtor, was really nice and with him originally being from the same place (PhD city) we are currently living is an added bonus. He showed us to a couple of places that suits our budget and location of choice. I really wished I will live really close to campus, just like 10-15 minutes walk, but the apartments were just extremely crappy, not to mention very expensive, the bf and I just decided to rule them out immediately. At the end of the day, after viewing six to seven apartments, I cannot even distinguish and remember all of them. Much to my dismay, I found out later that I did not bring any charger for my cell phone and it had died already! I am supposed to visit the research group the next day and I don’t know how long it will take. How am I supposed to contact BF when and where we are meeting?

The visit to the group had been very productive and stimulating; the people were accommodating. The only problem is that it took longer than I expected; it literally took the entire day. I just planned to stay until 2 pm but stretched out to 4 pm. Making a realistic plan has always been major challenge to me. It is alright when I am the only one affected but BF is always on time and he was really pissed off. Also, we have yet to make up our minds about the apartment issue. The realtor from yesterday called again and showed us a few more places accommodating our additional request. We were interested in the last place and immediately decided to apply for that place. We don’t want to come back another time to check out places again. As we left Neat City, we were pretty contented with our decision and were relieved the search is over. We came back to the PhD City very late in the evening for our well-deserved rest as the next day around afternoon we will be on the road again for camping/hiking adventure far from civilization.

Needless to say, the next day, the apartment management approved us and asked if we can move a few days earlier and we said we can’t. When we are several miles closer to the camp site where there is almost no cell phone signal, they called and we figured out in between very bad signal that they are giving the apartment to the other girl who saw the place because she could move in earlier. Great, just what we need! They offered another apartment in the same neighborhood. They claimed that the apartment is very similar to the one we liked and they also promised to install all the things we asked. I am pretty upset about the whole thing. I really want to see the apartment firsthand, it is just that we don’t have the time to go back and check places again. In addition, it gets pretty costly to do this route.

What is surprising to me about this whole exercise is my reaction. The experience made me realize that I might have a mild streak of being a control freak. I get extremely anxious if things didn’t go as planned.

Anyhow, after much deliberation between me and BF, we decided to take the place. Yes, without setting foot on the apartment yet. If circumstances were different, I would have said that this is an absurd decision. On the contrary, I am actually pretty comfortable with it. I am back to my optimistic self!

just checking in

2007-07-11T09:47:00.000-05:00

This is going to be a very short post, I just want to say I am back. I took a break and had a fabulous time in the deep woods.

I hope to get my writing groove back. My goal for the week is to finish writing TheHardtoWrite Chapter! I hope to blog a little bit more.

and procrastinating continues...

2007-06-21T07:55:00.000-05:00

The other day I wrote about my behavior regarding work this week. Sadly, it didn't really improve yesterday as I have consciously spent my time on finding apartments, calling places to make appointments, looking for hotels, taking my car for oil change, etc. etc. Maybe I am finding my current dissertation writing task pretty overwhelming which is why I am trying to avoid doing it but I know I cannot continue doing this forever. It doesn't help realizing that half of the week has passed already. I am really feeling guilty.

Mind over matter. One step at a time.

Today, with the birth of new day comes hope that I will be able to start anew and I will be able to get out of this funk I am in. I promise to consciously make extra effort to focus on work. I can do this. Mind over matter.....

Update: I have worked effectively today and that feels great! I revised a couple of pages. Now I am getting headache, hopefully not migraine. In addition, me and my friends had some free ice cream. Nice!

on panic attacks

2007-06-19T13:25:00.000-05:00

I think I am getting very stressed out. I have been talking to myself that I am not stressed out and that I am handling this process very well. Could it be that I am in self-denial? Lately, I find myself having unusual rapid heart rate. I also find myself extremely easily agitated when things didn't go my way.

This week has not been working out very well for me (so far). I am pretty happy with how I spent my time at work last week. I feel that I have accomplished something; not everything in my list were checked off but still I did something. Somehow this week, I am freaking out and it is very counterproductive. For example, instead of working on my agenda for the week, I spent a good portion of my afternoon yesterday chatting with people at work. Then, later in the night, I cannot sleep and have some involuntary body movements while lying in bed. This happens to me when something is worrying me. Then today, I spent the whole morning just surfing the net. It seems that I am trying to avoid work. Aaahhhhhhhhh....

Saturday Reflection

2007-06-16T10:15:00.000-05:00

I respect that everyone has different spiritual/religious views and I totally understand this. Personally, I feel most peaceful when I pray or reflect, like I view things in a much better perspective.

"All you need say is 'Yes' if you mean yes, 'No' if you mean no." Only constant honesty with ourselves can make us really sincere

Lord, may I never take the giftof freedom for granted. You gave me the great blessing of freedom of spirit. Fill my spirit with Your peace and Your joy.

How do I find myself today? Where am I with God? With others? Do I have something to be grateful for? Then I give thanks.
I feel very good when I wake up today; I am really looking forward what this day will bring. I am a very reflective person and I want to clarify my thoughts.

I feel very blessed being with my boyfriend, he is really the most amazing person I have met. He is very loving and considerate. I am very grateful for this.

I am also very thankful that I have assistanship this summer and that I can just write my dissertation full time. I would also like to thank for the the support of my family and well-meaning friends.

Is there something I am sorry for? Then I ask forgiveness.
I know that I am hurting my boyfriend unintentionally sometimes and I am really sorry for this. I want to be able to express some not so positive feelings (sadness, etc) in more appropriate way.

I am sorry that I am not able to call my family and contact my well-meaning friends enough.

I am very sorry that it is very hard for me to forgive people who are liars and disrespectful. The thing is I am the aggrieved party; things are just not gonna be the same anymore. I know that I should be taking care of myself by getting out of unhealthy relationships. What does forgiving means? that you forget? I know that deep inside I am mad at these people. Lord, help me be a more forgiving person. Help me learn how to let go of these negative feelings.

------------------

Lord, as I watch, I pray for parents who are trying to temper protectiveness with trust, and for adolescents who are impatient to grow.

I feel comfort when I pray.

a welcome destressor

2007-06-12T21:21:00.000-05:00

I am so psyched that bf and I went out to BW3 tonight. This is because of the following reasons:

First and foremost, because of the $0.35 wings Tuesday special. We had spicy garlic, asian zing, and carribean jerk. This is one of the times that I am really craving for wings.

Second, I am a big college basketball fan and who were there? The entire basketball team of my beloved university! as in the whole team! Sweet........

And last but not the least, watching the fantastic no-hitter game of Verlander. Awesome! The last time the Tigers had a no-hitter game was in 1984. It is so much fun to watch with a big crowd. Everybody was just so pumped-up.

What a night! Definitely a great destressor after a long day of working on my bibliography.

where did my weekend go

2007-06-11T00:30:00.000-05:00

I am just home this week, no out-of-town trips until I submit a first draft to my advisor at the end of the month.

I would say, it is a typical weekend. The only difference this weekend was that bf was pretty sick the entire time.

statistics for the recently-concluded weekend:

average number of hours of sleep: 8.5
wake-up time: 11:00 am
number of movies watched: 3 (the good shepherd, my super-ex girlfriend, zodiac)
hours spent on cleaning the house: 2
hours spent on laundry: 2
hours spent sulking or being upset: ~ 2
hours spent cooking: 2
number of dishes cooked: 2
number of times I did the dishwashing: 3 (yes, that many!)
hours spent working: 5
hours spent talking to a friend on the phone: 1.5
hours spent walking with bf: 1
hours spent at barnes and noble: 2
hours spent on internet use: who knows??? ... more than enough...
hours spent on church activities: 1
times I ate cakes: 2 (cheesecake, banana cake)
times I ate at fastfood: 2

hopefully for next weekend:

diminish the number of hours spent being upset
lessen internet use
eat more healthy food
exercise more (maybe play tennis)

for accountability purposes

2007-06-10T19:35:00.000-05:00

here are my goals for this week:

dissertation:

check bibliography
describe the formulation
prepare the equations
write the implementation part
analyze results

research

check the implementation
check previous results
prepare new calculations
run new calculations

study: review theories; read journal articles;

exercise: walk to/from school; play tennis

friends/family: spend quality time with bf; call family; hang out with friends on Wed; email friends

relaxation: watch movies, spend time with bf

I should spend at least 40 solid hours to school-related tasks. I will be the happiest if I will be able to do this.

a usual day

2007-06-05T16:09:00.000-05:00

I literally stopped doing research since last month to focus on finishing my dissertation. The advisor gave me a go signal that I have more than enough already for my dissertation and so I can just concentrate on writing. The truth is that there are other smaller projects I haven't done yet; I don't know if I even have time to work on them. I really want to.

One of the things I have realized about myself is that I sucked at multi-tasking particularly on research-related tasks . I really do or maybe I should just start a different approach. For example, my plan is to work on my research in the morning and write in the afternoon. Say, by noon time, my research-related to-do-things didn't work out (which translates that I have not been productive), I get so absob with trying to make it work or at least try to understand why it doesn't work (most of the time it is hopeless) and I end up using the entire afternoon and most of the night and it is still NOT working. The next day, it is back to the drawing board. This happened to me a couple of times and so I was not able to do any writing which also added to my frustration. I cannot just move on to my next to-do-list! When you got stucked by a certain activity, when and how do recognize that there is no point in pursuing the activity that moment/day?

On the other hand, itt had been several weeks already since I had started writing this chapter I am working on and I am not done yet but I am getting there. This chapter has been specifically very hard to write. I cannot formalize my "story". I attribute this difficulty to my lack of writing practice/experience. My goal is to finish writing a draft that I can turned in to my advisor by the end of the month. Wish me luck :p

formatting woes

2007-06-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

The LATEX program is driving me crazy. I have tons of figures that I need to manipulate so I can incorporate them into my dissertation tex file. How can you get rid of the caption in the subfigure? Anyone?

I am a Satisficer

2007-05-31T23:21:00.001-05:00

Yes, I am definitely in a much better mood since writing my last post.

Yesterday, on my way home, I dropped by Barnes and Noble and read some magazines. There was interesting note on differences between a maximizer and a satisficer. I'm sure many of you have encountered these terms before but this is pretty new to me.

Maximizers are those who strive to make the best possible choice in every instance. Satisficers simply look for a choice that is 'good enough'. Apparently, maximizers are often quite successful and high achieving but they also tend to be less optimistic, less satisfied, have lower self-esteem, and are less happy than satisficers.

I am definitely a satisficer in a lot of things - both personal and professional. Once I made the decision, I don't look back or dwell on life's ifs. If things didn't work it the way I thought it should be, I rationalize that this is the consequence of the decision that I made given the best information I gathered at the time of interest. In other words, if thing go bad, learn from the experience. This is maybe because I am highly optimistic person. I believe everything happens for a reason.

Growing up, there was this awesome university I wanted to go to but my parents disagreed adamantly and to make matters short, I did not end up there. I enrolled in another awesome university and had the best time of my life and would not trade it for the world! There sure were sulking before enrolling but once I enrolled I forgot about the other one :D

I remember a time when a group of my friends were to choose between two events happening at the same time. Say, we decided to go to event A and we were really having a lot of fun. I wasdumbfounded when a person in the group asked us if we think the people attending the other event have better laughs. What is a better laugh? If you enjoy, you enjoy.

Not In Sync

2007-05-30T10:25:00.000-05:00

I have been extremely short-tempered for the past week or so. I feel so bad for my bf as he is the victim of my frequent outbursts lately. I should be able to handle my temper/emotions much better. I am not normally like this. I don't want to destroy our relationship.

How do you act when you're upset? With me, I just suddenly shut off, literally my mouth is closed that it seems I forgot how to talk. Maybe I did not try harder but I could not get myself to talk at all. The problem is that this could go on for hours as if logic has vanished on earth. I wish I could just be bitch out for a short time and then be okay right away but I am not like this. I cannot cry when I am upset. However, I cry when I am very stressed out. I also cry in movies, tv shows, songs, etc.

I don't know why I am very emotional these past few days. Am I stressed out? I don't think I am, the writing is going, maybe not at the rate I want it to be but it is going. There aren't any other major thing that will make me stressed out lately except for the dissertation writing.

I should get out of this funk!

Seeking A Well-Balanced Life

2007-05-29T17:30:00.000-05:00

I love weekends, they are the best time to recharge, to slow down.

In my life, I am striving to find balance. How do you define a balanced life? For me, it means that I am not just focusing on one aspect of my life. I have diverse interests and I know I will be miserable if one aspect will be dominating my life.

In this regard, I am making a conscious effort of not spending all of my time with school-related activities. I enjoy graduate school (for the most part) but it is not all of me. I know early-on that if I will work 60 (maybe even 80) hours a week, it is never enough. If I finished the work on Monday, it should have been done a week before! Graduate school, to me, is a very personal experience. It gets whatever you are willing to give. This translates to me that I have the power to design my experience. Recently, my norm is to work during the day and do other things on the evenings unless there are (real) pressing things that needs to be done right away. (I certainly enjoy not having written exams anymore, I am done with it!) This is my comfortable pace now.

Did I become a lazy person? I hope not. However, I am a very laidback person. I did not want to admit this before because somehow I relate it to being lazy. Who wants to be called lazy anyway? not me ;) hahaha. For all of you guys, please enlighten me, is being laidback synonymous to being lazy?

As for my career plans, will I still survive academia with just this much time I am willing to spend? Who knows?

To improve this part of my life, I should strive to be more productive and efficient while I'm at work (basically means while at my office). To do this, I can start with limiting the time I spend on (unnecessary) internet use and stop procrastinating. It is so easy to say and write these things but it is sooooooooo hard to put them into action. Bad habits are indeed difficult to break.

I don't want to be sick.

2007-05-27T13:32:00.001-05:00

I had been feeling a little bit more exhausted than usual these past few days. I really don't understand why. I don't think I am working hard than my usual. Can it be that I getting anxious or stressed out? I don't feel like I am or maybe I am denying.

Yesterday, my bf and I visited his grandparents and then went to watch a movie Pirates of the Carribean At World's End because I have been nagging him about going :D. The last movie we saw at the theater was Night at the Museum last January. This is madness, I love movies. I want to watch a lot of movies but I know I cannot do that much anymore. I enjoyed Pirates 3. I don't know which of the three pirates movie is my favorite.

Soon after we went home, I feel sick. Since yesterday afternoon, I may have been to the toilet for more than 25 times. I did take pepto but it didn't really help me. As of writing, I still have upset stomach and I have extremely watery stool. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feeling very tired. Getting sick is not fun!

sad realization

2007-05-23T15:47:00.000-05:00

Today, I realized that, for a while now, I have allowed myself to be the sounding board of my friends' endless rants. I did feel bad and low after their venting but I thought I was being a good friend and that is what friendship is for really. But when the so-called friend is being a complete b**** to me and being totally disrespectful, sorry but in my dictionary, friendship is a give and take relationship, I am not gonna endure your life's misery anymore.

I resolve to take good care of myself by not putting up with people's crap. I resolve to choose friends wisely. I used to just let people come to my life. I am very trusting at heart but maybe there is wisdom in being a little bit cautious who you're letting in.

On Obtaining Postdoctoral Position

2007-05-20T19:40:00.001-05:00

I would like to share my personal strategy and experience on obtaining academic postdoctoral position in physical sciences. The process is different in every research fields and subfields; it also varies from one principal investigator to another. I don’t think there is really a general rule but I hope that some people will learn something from my experience.

The first stage is self-evaluation. This is very critical, be as truthful to yourself as you can be. Realistically, when do you think you will graduate? Eventually, what career path are you taking? Do you need to do a postdoc? If so, where do you think is the most optimal route: at university, industry, or national labs? What type of research do you want to pursue? Also, think about the professors whom you want to be working with. These are just among the questions that you should ask yourself in this stage.

In my case, after weeks of contemplating, I realized I really wanted to pursue an academic postdoctoral position. The major reason is that I want to be a university professor someday. I love the academic setting, the intellectual interaction; it feels like home. Finding an academic postdoctoral position, in my opinion, is much easier than looking for industrial or national lab postdoctoral position. (Am I correct?) I started my postdoctoral search in February of this year with July/August as my target graduation date.

Second, prepare necessary materials like curriculum vitae (CV), cover letter, and recommendation letters. If you applied for fellowships or awards before, then you should have a CV already, keep it updated. Talk to your recommenders about your short- and long-term plans and ask for their personal tips and advice. Have clear expectations with your Ph. D. advisor about how actively he wants to be involved in your search.

Third, come up with a list of professors whom you wanted to work with and contact them. The list should be perfectly aligned with your research interests and future goals. It is important to start the search early so as not to resort to “shotgun” approach in which you contact people in a massive manner and wish that one of those will offer you a position. The cover letter should be tailored such that it is sort of “personalized” addressing your fit to the research group very well.

Personally, I know I wanted to do something different from my Ph. D. subfield so I have in mind the top researchers in different subfields but still including some top researchers in my PhD subfield. In my list were a mix of senior professors and junior professors. I only had about a dozen in my list. I showed the list to my Ph. D. advisor and he actually strongly suggested not contacting some names in my list which was totally fine with me. I ranked them according to my preference. The plan is to contact the first four in the list and wait for few weeks; if it worked out, then the process is done, if none worked, then contact other another set of professors and so on. Now you have tossed the ball to the other side and can only wait for their response.

Fourth, the professor shows interest and asks for recommendation letters. After you have arranged to have the letters sent to him, you can only wait and cross your fingers. Yes, the waiting is a killer!

Fifth, the professor asks to know more about you by meeting you personally. He will specify what he needs from you from this meeting. You may be asked to visit the research group. This can be done differently in various ways.

Lastly, you got an offer!

In my case, I ended up contacting only half of the professors in my list. I feel very lucky to get offers (in March) from my top choices, the ones I did not even consider that would take second look at me. I would say that my search from contacting the professor to getting the postdoctoral position appointment (yes, got it) is pretty quick, only less than two months yet I still find waiting game very crazy. I did have difficulty deciding which one I would like to accept because they are all very good opportunities (that is why I feel very lucky): good universities, good mentors, and very dynamic group. Eventually, in my case, future personal life issue (long-distance relationship) is the determining factor.

On the other hand, I also got responses like "I don't have money for another postdoc at this time, but if there are fellowship opportunities that you can apply, I would greatly support it". One of the weirdest experience I have is that one of the professor I contacted already approached my Ph. D. advisor early on about projects I could work on and other possible collaboration with my Ph. D. advisor but never contacted me at all! Not even a single-liner email! But three months later, he contacted my advisor again about me and my advisor already said I have already accepted a position somewhere. It doesn't make sense to me why he doesn't communicate with me but only with my advisor!

I am set to start my postdoctoral position in September. I am excited but scared at the same time. Before that, I need to finish writing the dissertation and successfully defend it. Wish me luck!

postdoc+carnival

Update after two weeks of silence

2007-05-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

These past few weeks, I had not been blogging personally rather I did a lot of reading blogs.

It had been pretty crazy. Among the things I did was to attend the advanced degree ceremony and "celebrated" with boyfriend and some friends. Originally, I was not planning on attending primarily because I am not really done, I have not even finished writing my dissertation. However, a lot of my friends are attending and so I changed my mind. I am happy that I did this for the pictures I got are awesome! Still, it does not feel real. I promise myself to have a real celebration once I have really defended.

I have been made some progress on my dissertation writing project. Specifically, I have organized all the derivations relevant to my work and prepared most of the figures that I need. With hundreds of figures I need to prepare, this part will easily take me a month to finish but I decided to be more aggressive by finishing this part in 10 days. And I really did it! yay! The goal for the rest of the week is to write-up the story which of course is not really straightforward. I hope I will be able to finish this subsection in a week. I anticipate the writing to be not easy because I have not written about this part before.

I also did play very hard in the past two weeks - "celebrate" graduation march, went to bar five times, attended bridal shower, went to baseball game, did overnight camping, attended christening party, attended farewell party, celebrated mother's day, and drove two hours (one-way) to attend a testimonial dinner by a distinguished guest . In addition, I also helped a friend with moving! Geez, as I am writing this, it seemed that I really did overcommit. I know how to have fun. I feel pretty tired but happy.

On the other hand, I resolve to be physically active again. Starting tomorrow, I want to start walking to school instead of driving; this will be my form of exercise. For now, I want to incorporate the exercise into my daily routine without hitting the gym.

Random Quotes for the day

2007-05-01T20:43:00.000-05:00

"The discipline of writing something down is the first step toward making it happen. In converstation you can get away with all kinds of vagueness and nonsense, often without even realizing it. But there's something about putting your thoughts on paper that forces you to get down to specifics. That way, it's harder to deceive yourself or anybody else."
- Lee Lacooca

"Life is miserable if you take it too seriously."

Happy Monday

2007-04-30T21:26:00.000-05:00

I am very pleased today because I feel I had accomplished something.

For this week, I am striving hard to focus on my dissertation writing and stay away from unnecessary internet use. I feel I was really able to do that, yehey!!! It feels so great after being such a slacker and procrastinator in most days. If I will be able to continue doing this during the day while I am at the office for the next 60 days, I will be able to finish writing and will be able to defend in summer. I already have a postdoc position, I will start in September, so I can not delay. I am the kind of person who wants (needs?) external pressure, having a postdoc position waiting is really motivation enough (I am really lucky in a lot of things).

As for the writing, I just continue typing my points. The transitioning and everything will be taken cared of in the editing process. I throw perfectionism out of the window or else I will not be able to proceed to next chapter. Writing is writing, editing is editing. For now, I am writing.

After having a pretty productive day, in very rare ocassions, I accompanied the BF for shopping. His shopping style is really just under 30 minutes but I still feel elated for this opportunity because he only shops like 3 times a year. After this, an awesome dinner out. What a day! What more can I ask?

Goal for tomorrow: focus on the tasks and hopefully can sustain 6 hours of work.

Exasperated

2007-04-29T01:47:00.000-05:00

For this specific post, I will digress from the purpose of this blog (I hope this will not become norm).

I am not a whining kind of person primarily because I was brought-up not to question authority so I just accept (bad or so-so) things as they are. Of course, this attitude is not applicable anymore to my current stage of life. I should be a mature and responsible adult now and I should be able to know when to question authority.

Going back to whining, yes, I am gonna whine today. How can people be acting all so nice (and they think they are really the nicest people of all the universe) to another person yet bitching about the same person to other people? I mean if you have issues, why not discuss it with the primary person involved? This hypocrisy is so beyond me. I can't comprehend it. As much as I wish I can pull a political animal act crap, I just can't because I am so transparent. How do you react? Mad? Disappointed? Cry? Laugh?

Unfortunately this has happened to me recently, from someone whom, to mention a few, I was spending long hours listening (in the middle of the day and even late at night) to her litany of problems and whom I was trying to help sort out her feelings and thoughts so she can give the situation in interest a better perspective. If I personally have issues with her actions before, I have tried to resolve them myself. I confronted her personally about this particular issue. She made up a lame excuse said that it was not really me but other people but since I really caught her then she just said she did not mean to hurt me. I cannot tolerate these kinds of people. I don't know if I will just forget about the whole ordeal or just move on. What are your thoughts?

Writing Reflections

2007-04-28T13:17:00.000-05:00

The original purpose why I started this blog is to be able to write again.

I remember I used to like writing when I was younger. However, in college, I have not been able to do a lot of writing (not even free writing). This past few months, I have embarked on the dissertation-writing process and I have found it to be extremely frustrating. I have prepared an outline and I know the key points that I want to make but I cannot compose the story!

I feel that scientific writing is very limiting. I realize it is for different purposes, the main of which is to convey a technical information to the audience. I have noticed lately that it takes forever for me to compose a reply to an email especially if it is not just a simple yes or no. It is obvious that I have been lacking writing practice. I want to be able to feel how to write in my own voice again. I want to be able to express and discuss my opinions and ideas in a logical manner so that I will be able to be a more assertive person.

The lesson of the day for me is practice, practice, practice. Practice makes perfect as the cliche goes.

Evaluation on last week's and Plan for this week

2007-04-22T19:59:00.000-05:00

A. DISSERTATION:
1. Revise Chapter 1: still working on it
2. Continue working on the Theory Part
3. Start Chapter 3B.

RESEARCH:
1. Figure-out why correction is not working out: still working on it
2. calculate **** energies
3. rerun for different systems

C. Study for the class. done

D. Exercise 3 times this week done

E. Read recent journal articles. done

I am still overhauling Chapter 1. I have lots of ideas I want to incorporate. I will show it to someone tomorrow morning and so I really want it to be done. I am trying hard to be not so harsh on myself as long as I am progressing. Automatically, this list will still be my list for this week.

I am trying to be more conscious of my distractions. Here are some form last week:

1. Emotions. I was pretty pissed off with my BF the entire day Monday. I don't even remember now what was it all about. A total waste of time!
Solution: I have to control my emotions.

2. Reading blogs. There are lots of great blogs in the blogosphere. I am a newbie here and whenever I came across an interesting blog, I want to read from the very beginning that specific blog was conceived.
Solution: I should schedule reading blogs. Maybe I can consider it a reward when I finished a few pages or did any dissertation-related stuff?

3. Checking email. I check emails all the time! A lot of times I know I am not gonna receive important mail but still I continue checking it.
Solution: I should not read email at the start of my day. It doesn't work! Once I get started, I can't stop. Schedule email time and follow it!

4. Lunch. I spend maybe an hour to an hour and half for lunch.
Solution: Limit lunch to one hour.

5. Chatting with boss. As much as I wanted to enjoy talking with my boss, it can go on for hours. I learn a lot from our chatting non-research (or dissertation) related stuff; our chats range from academia life, administration, politics, women, etc.
Solution: Limit chatting. Maybe I need to be more assertive sometimes if the chatting is too long already.

6. Calling banks, customer service, etc, etc.

What worked this week? I was able to be productive this week in these conditions:

1. Going to the library (after going to Church) on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon. From where I was working, I was able to see beautiful scenery, it's good.

2. Not opening internet explorer for a few hours using some blocker.

3. Working late night to early morning (sadly). I was trying to avoid this one because my BF has a regular job and wants to spend time with me after working hours. He wants to sleep early since he goes to work at 6 am! He tries to help me wake up early so I can work early and we still have time together later in the day (evening). But if I continue this schedule, this will not great for us. To all night-owls who are in the same situation, how do you do it?

This week, I will try to eliminate some distractions and hopefully note some more things that work :)

Freaking Out

2007-04-19T22:59:00.000-05:00

I am freaking out right now. I checked my goals for the week and I cannot even cross one! It is already the end of the week. I did a little of many things but still no solid finished work. Maybe my goals are unrealistic? For some reason, there is a big gap between my estimate time and the actual time needed to do the work.

I vow to start my Friday with writing, in particular with revising Chapter 1.

One Step at a Time

2007-04-17T12:46:00.000-05:00

Yes, I started working on research again. The last time I worked on it was a month ago! (Is it pretty obvious that I had been avoiding this for awhile now?) This is just a confirmation that I really have this cycle that whenever I get stuck with a project I drop it and move on to other projects until I get stuck again and go back to the projects I dropped before or move on to another project. At the end of the day, I have many unfinished projects. I know that sometimes one needs to take a little break but one month (I even have projects I left untouched for few months)? I think this is too much of being away. The idea is that it should not be very long that one lost continuity. I should really work on this vicious cylcle I am in. If you want break from your project, how long should it be that it is still not considered counter-productive?

Right now, I am feeling pretty lost and I don't know where to start. I have to spend hours remembering what I did before before I will be up to speed again :(

My List of things to do for April 16-20

2007-04-14T20:21:00.000-05:00

A. DISSERTATION:
1. Revise Chapter 1
2. Continue working on the Theory Part
3. Start Chapter 3

B. RESEARCH:
1. Figure-out why triples correction is not working out
2. calculate **** energies
3. rerun for different systems

C. Study for the class.

D. Exercise 3 times this week

E. Read recent journal articles.

My work-plan for this week is:

morning: work on research
afternoon: work on dissertation
between 6:30-9 pm: exercise, dinner, break
the rest of the evening: study for class, read recent journal articles

I really hope to do a lot of work this week; I have difficulty multi-tasking. The past two weeks, I only worked on writing my disseration though I know I still need to work on my some aspects of my research. I am envious of people who can juggle a lot of things at the same time!

A New Blogger is in Town

2007-04-11T20:10:00.000-05:00

I am excited to start blogging. As of the moment, I am in the stage of writing my dissertation. Eventually, I wish to be a professor someday. Accidentally, a few weeks ago, I came accross a blog of a graduate student and then from there I regularly read great blogs of various awesome people on their experiences as graduate students, postdocs, and professors. I find their blogs very insightful and inspired me to start my own. Join me as I navigate this challenging career path, being an academic, that we find very attractive