I've been away again for a long time. Maybe I was hiding. Maybe my mind is so cluttered I cannot form my words. I've done a lot of thinking. I've started many posts but didn't end up finishing them or didn't have the courage to post for the world to see. I've read about differences between men and women in relationships, in how they think, etc. In these gender generalizations, although I'm a woman I always identified myself as more of a masculine type. For example, when I have problems, I keep them to myself instead of chatting about it with girlfriends or other people. So yes, I was "caving" these past few months. And yes, I can open up right now because I have sort some issues and make some sense out of them.
I want to be a better me. After graduate school, I have lost a big chunk of my self-confidence that I felt lost of who I was before graduate school. As I started my postdoc, I felt elated and relieved that I am finally done with school. However, as I get settled in my new position, waves of fear and anxiety set in and I felt drowning into them. I did not face my fears head on during graduate school that they continue to affect me now.
I choose to face them now. I choose to be reunited with who I really am. I choose to dream again.
2 comments:
wow. good luck sorting all of this out. hope you keep us updated. i'm glad you're looking to find yourself again, and start to dream!
I think I did the same when I started as a postdoc. Initially it felt so good not to be a student anymore, and I rode that wave for a while, then the fear and anxiety set in and things were lousy for a while. I felt like I didn't know who I was when I wasn't 'studying' and so the last couple of years have been like getting to know who I am now. That's why being a postdoc is good in someways - it gives you time without too many responsibilities to find out who you are as an adult, both professionally and personally.
Good luck, and you've got a lot of courage to face this.
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