aahhhhhh

this dissertation is really getting under my skin. i'm as cranky as ever! all i want to do now is cry....

hating the writing right now

I am really starting to hate this dissertation writing. Take note of my choice of word, hate. Yes, I am having that strong emotion right now. For those people who know me, this is sort of surprising because I don't usually use this word, I try as much as possible to eliminate this in my vocabulary. Aahhh....

I worked very hard this week, much more than my normal. Yesterday, I worked at 1-8:30 pm then resume from 10 till 3 in the morning but the writing is still very much far from being done. This is the most number of hours that I have worked in the recent months. Everytime I feel that I finished something, there are at least ten more other things that I have yet to do.

I have to calm myself down, this is exactly what I need. I will designate tonight as a downtime, no disseration-related activities. Hopefully, tomorrow I will feel more relaxed and rested.

writing dilemma

I desperately need to write the subsection DF. This is really the heart of my delaying and procrastinating attitude in the last few weeks. The task is just so daunting for me. There are so many things I need to decide.

* How do I organize it?
* Will I follow my advisor’s convention or other people’s convention? I’m in such dilemma, the thing is I am more comfortable using the other people’s convention and this is what I did in my research but my advisor will surely have difficulty with this (not that he is not capable, just not his style). There are also several other subtle differences that I need to decide on which one to present in my dissertation. The presentation should be cohesive!
* Too much information. What should be in the appendix and what should be in the section?
* Do I need to be as detailed as I can be?
* Any models I can follow?

Just write, write, write! It doesn’t have to be the final piece right away. Present everything whatever I think needs to be discussed and then decide later which will go to the main text, appendix, etc

Even though I really find this particular writing task very overwhelming, I will not quit!

Summer Update

Realistically, I have five more weeks to go before the summer semester ends. This means that I have five weeks to finish and hand in my draft to my advisor, to incorporate my advisor’s comments and revisions, to submit dissertation copy to each of the committee members, to prepare my slides for the talk, to study for the defense, to give (and hopefully pass) the defense, to incorporate final revisions, and lastly to submit the final copy to graduate school.

I am in so much mixed emotions right now. There are moments I feel empowered and confident but most of the time, I feel apprehensive, anxious, and disheartened. I wish I could just sit around and the dissertation will be done in its own way. This is so unrealistic. As the deadlines are looming in the corner, I am becoming more and more withdrawn from the project. I am still having trouble sleeping. In addition, I find myself more and more distracted.

With this realization, I have to make self-imposed changes. I should strive harder to refocus on finishing. I know I cannot do this in one shot. This week will be the hell week for me. All my time and energy should be directed to this goal. Specific things to help me get done: (at least for this week ) working at nights, no facebook-ing and friendster-ing, no reading online news, and no reading of other people’s blogs . I will allow myself to post more in my blog so I will be able to process what’s on my mind.

Business as usual

My list for this weekend (ambitious but attainable):

Home improvement project - paint dining/family room

Dissertation
– encode MM corrections
– write DF
– write CI
– encode DF and CI

By painting, it means cleaning the room, moving furniture and exercise machine, and throwing some stuff.

In order to cross off these goals from the list, I need to focus and concentrate on things at hand, to be efficient, and to follow through. Let’s see what I will accomplish.

******************

Update: The home improvement project took the entire weekend, there was just too much stuff to do there. Consequently, no dissertation writing progress had been made. *sad*

early morning woes

For Pete's sake, I want to sleep!

I was feeling all groggy all day because I woke up three to four hours after I went to bed and I had difficulty going back to sleep. I don't usually have this problem. I am supposed to be deep sleeper for crying out loud. Well, the culprit is my swollen (red) left foot due to several big mosquito/insect bites. My right foot has some bites too but not nearly as bad as the left one. When I went to school today, my sandals would not even fit!

Yes, I am whining right now because I feel very tired after a long week's work and this weekend is going to be busy. I went to bed earlier but couldn't go to sleep so after long day of discomfort, itching, and pain, I decided to be more aggressive. I took some anti-inflammatory over-the-counter drugs, applied ice on the affected areas, and desperately looked for some anti-itch medication, more than the neosporin, around the house. I remember I bought some before but I can't pinpoint where I put them (I was moving my stuff all summer). Alas, I found it at the trunk of my car, the feeling is so liberating. Now, I will be ready for my sleep.

Weather Forecast

"Isolated severe thunderstorm are expected. Large hail with damaging wind are possible"

This was my boyfriend's description of me if I were a weather after my very sudden outburst last night. Oh well, I cannot help but laugh! I guess there is some truth in it. Everything is going great and I am feeling great then, in just a snap of a finger, I get pretty pissed off (of course, there is a stimulant for this reaction).

On the bright side of things, I feel that I am learning how to communicate better. In my personal relationships, I have tried with great deal of effort saying the things that make me upset rather than just sulking and trying to cheer myself up. In addition, last week, I was able to tell my PhD advisor/boss that I am not available for his suggested group's get-together date and suggested other times. It worked! For me, this is big because I am always tongue-tied whenever my boss say something. This is certainly a learning process, a constant struggle, to me. I still have long way to go!

Pact with Myself

I will not visit AbsurdWebsite until I my final defense is over. I don't have an exact date yet but it will be sometime before the end of August. I hope I will be able to exercise self-discipline. Wish me luck :D

Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst

A few days back, I visited the city where I will be doing my postdoc to find a place to stay and at the same time to be formally introduced to the group. This was my first visit and my main goal is really to feel the city. For now, I will call the city, the Neat City. The short visit, only two-day swing, was sort of planned hastily and I would have really wanted to make it a longer one.

Anyway, before leaving town, I already made some appointments with different apartment places. BF is coming with me as he will be also moving to the Neat City (well, not right away but soon after me). We left town early morning and projected that if things go smoothly, we will be there two hours before our first appointment. Things had been very smooth and we were almost celebrating and then suddenly just after the second to the last exit #?*!?%!$**?%* traffic jam, the worst traffic jam I ever witnessed. The 2.5 miles left before the final exit took us over three hours! We ended up NOT making our appointment. The guy whom we have appointment with was not totally agreeable. We were pretty pissed off with the entire ordeal already but we just could not call the (looking for apartment) thing off as we did not have the luxury of time. Fortunately, our next appointment pushed through and the guy, sort of realtor, was really nice and with him originally being from the same place (PhD city) we are currently living is an added bonus. He showed us to a couple of places that suits our budget and location of choice. I really wished I will live really close to campus, just like 10-15 minutes walk, but the apartments were just extremely crappy, not to mention very expensive, the bf and I just decided to rule them out immediately. At the end of the day, after viewing six to seven apartments, I cannot even distinguish and remember all of them. Much to my dismay, I found out later that I did not bring any charger for my cell phone and it had died already! I am supposed to visit the research group the next day and I don’t know how long it will take. How am I supposed to contact BF when and where we are meeting?

The visit to the group had been very productive and stimulating; the people were accommodating. The only problem is that it took longer than I expected; it literally took the entire day. I just planned to stay until 2 pm but stretched out to 4 pm. Making a realistic plan has always been major challenge to me. It is alright when I am the only one affected but BF is always on time and he was really pissed off. Also, we have yet to make up our minds about the apartment issue. The realtor from yesterday called again and showed us a few more places accommodating our additional request. We were interested in the last place and immediately decided to apply for that place. We don’t want to come back another time to check out places again. As we left Neat City, we were pretty contented with our decision and were relieved the search is over. We came back to the PhD City very late in the evening for our well-deserved rest as the next day around afternoon we will be on the road again for camping/hiking adventure far from civilization.

Needless to say, the next day, the apartment management approved us and asked if we can move a few days earlier and we said we can’t. When we are several miles closer to the camp site where there is almost no cell phone signal, they called and we figured out in between very bad signal that they are giving the apartment to the other girl who saw the place because she could move in earlier. Great, just what we need! They offered another apartment in the same neighborhood. They claimed that the apartment is very similar to the one we liked and they also promised to install all the things we asked. I am pretty upset about the whole thing. I really want to see the apartment firsthand, it is just that we don’t have the time to go back and check places again. In addition, it gets pretty costly to do this route.

What is surprising to me about this whole exercise is my reaction. The experience made me realize that I might have a mild streak of being a control freak. I get extremely anxious if things didn’t go as planned.

Anyhow, after much deliberation between me and BF, we decided to take the place. Yes, without setting foot on the apartment yet. If circumstances were different, I would have said that this is an absurd decision. On the contrary, I am actually pretty comfortable with it. I am back to my optimistic self!

just checking in

This is going to be a very short post, I just want to say I am back. I took a break and had a fabulous time in the deep woods.

I hope to get my writing groove back. My goal for the week is to finish writing TheHardtoWrite Chapter! I hope to blog a little bit more.