and procrastinating continues...

The other day I wrote about my behavior regarding work this week. Sadly, it didn't really improve yesterday as I have consciously spent my time on finding apartments, calling places to make appointments, looking for hotels, taking my car for oil change, etc. etc. Maybe I am finding my current dissertation writing task pretty overwhelming which is why I am trying to avoid doing it but I know I cannot continue doing this forever. It doesn't help realizing that half of the week has passed already. I am really feeling guilty.

Mind over matter. One step at a time.

Today, with the birth of new day comes hope that I will be able to start anew and I will be able to get out of this funk I am in. I promise to consciously make extra effort to focus on work. I can do this. Mind over matter.....

Update: I have worked effectively today and that feels great! I revised a couple of pages. Now I am getting headache, hopefully not migraine. In addition, me and my friends had some free ice cream. Nice!

on panic attacks

I think I am getting very stressed out. I have been talking to myself that I am not stressed out and that I am handling this process very well. Could it be that I am in self-denial? Lately, I find myself having unusual rapid heart rate. I also find myself extremely easily agitated when things didn't go my way.

This week has not been working out very well for me (so far). I am pretty happy with how I spent my time at work last week. I feel that I have accomplished something; not everything in my list were checked off but still I did something. Somehow this week, I am freaking out and it is very counterproductive. For example, instead of working on my agenda for the week, I spent a good portion of my afternoon yesterday chatting with people at work. Then, later in the night, I cannot sleep and have some involuntary body movements while lying in bed. This happens to me when something is worrying me. Then today, I spent the whole morning just surfing the net. It seems that I am trying to avoid work. Aaahhhhhhhhh....

Saturday Reflection

I respect that everyone has different spiritual/religious views and I totally understand this. Personally, I feel most peaceful when I pray or reflect, like I view things in a much better perspective.

"All you need say is 'Yes' if you mean yes, 'No' if you mean no." Only constant honesty with ourselves can make us really sincere

Lord, may I never take the giftof freedom for granted. You gave me the great blessing of freedom of spirit. Fill my spirit with Your peace and Your joy.

How do I find myself today? Where am I with God? With others? Do I have something to be grateful for? Then I give thanks.
I feel very good when I wake up today; I am really looking forward what this day will bring. I am a very reflective person and I want to clarify my thoughts.

I feel very blessed being with my boyfriend, he is really the most amazing person I have met. He is very loving and considerate. I am very grateful for this.

I am also very thankful that I have assistanship this summer and that I can just write my dissertation full time. I would also like to thank for the the support of my family and well-meaning friends.


Is there something I am sorry for? Then I ask forgiveness.
I know that I am hurting my boyfriend unintentionally sometimes and I am really sorry for this. I want to be able to express some not so positive feelings (sadness, etc) in more appropriate way.

I am sorry that I am not able to call my family and contact my well-meaning friends enough.

I am very sorry that it is very hard for me to forgive people who are liars and disrespectful. The thing is I am the aggrieved party; things are just not gonna be the same anymore. I know that I should be taking care of myself by getting out of unhealthy relationships. What does forgiving means? that you forget? I know that deep inside I am mad at these people. Lord, help me be a more forgiving person. Help me learn how to let go of these negative feelings.

------------------

Lord, as I watch, I pray for parents who are trying to temper protectiveness with trust, and for adolescents who are impatient to grow.

I feel comfort when I pray.

a welcome destressor

I am so psyched that bf and I went out to BW3 tonight. This is because of the following reasons:

First and foremost, because of the $0.35 wings Tuesday special. We had spicy garlic, asian zing, and carribean jerk. This is one of the times that I am really craving for wings.

Second, I am a big college basketball fan and who were there? The entire basketball team of my beloved university! as in the whole team! Sweet........

And last but not the least, watching the fantastic no-hitter game of Verlander. Awesome! The last time the Tigers had a no-hitter game was in 1984. It is so much fun to watch with a big crowd. Everybody was just so pumped-up.

What a night! Definitely a great destressor after a long day of working on my bibliography.

where did my weekend go

I am just home this week, no out-of-town trips until I submit a first draft to my advisor at the end of the month.

I would say, it is a typical weekend. The only difference this weekend was that bf was pretty sick the entire time.

statistics for the recently-concluded weekend:

average number of hours of sleep: 8.5
wake-up time: 11:00 am
number of movies watched: 3 (the good shepherd, my super-ex girlfriend, zodiac)
hours spent on cleaning the house: 2
hours spent on laundry: 2
hours spent sulking or being upset: ~ 2
hours spent cooking: 2
number of dishes cooked: 2
number of times I did the dishwashing: 3 (yes, that many!)
hours spent working: 5
hours spent talking to a friend on the phone: 1.5
hours spent walking with bf: 1
hours spent at barnes and noble: 2
hours spent on internet use: who knows??? ... more than enough...
hours spent on church activities: 1
times I ate cakes: 2 (cheesecake, banana cake)
times I ate at fastfood: 2

hopefully for next weekend:

• diminish the number of hours spent being upset
• lessen internet use
• eat more healthy food
• exercise more (maybe play tennis)
  

for accountability purposes

here are my goals for this week:

dissertation:

1. check bibliography
2. describe the formulation
3. prepare the equations
4. write the implementation part
5. analyze results

research

1. check the implementation
2. check previous results
   
3. prepare new calculations
4. run new calculations

study: review theories; read journal articles;

exercise: walk to/from school; play tennis

friends/family: spend quality time with bf; call family; hang out with friends on Wed; email friends

relaxation: watch movies, spend time with bf


I should spend at least 40 solid hours to school-related tasks. I will be the happiest if I will be able to do this.

a usual day

I literally stopped doing research since last month to focus on finishing my dissertation. The advisor gave me a go signal that I have more than enough already for my dissertation and so I can just concentrate on writing. The truth is that there are other smaller projects I haven't done yet; I don't know if I even have time to work on them. I really want to.

One of the things I have realized about myself is that I sucked at multi-tasking particularly on research-related tasks . I really do or maybe I should just start a different approach. For example, my plan is to work on my research in the morning and write in the afternoon. Say, by noon time, my research-related to-do-things didn't work out (which translates that I have not been productive), I get so absob with trying to make it work or at least try to understand why it doesn't work (most of the time it is hopeless) and I end up using the entire afternoon and most of the night and it is still NOT working. The next day, it is back to the drawing board. This happened to me a couple of times and so I was not able to do any writing which also added to my frustration. I cannot just move on to my next to-do-list! When you got stucked by a certain activity, when and how do recognize that there is no point in pursuing the activity that moment/day?

On the other hand, itt had been several weeks already since I had started writing this chapter I am working on and I am not done yet but I am getting there. This chapter has been specifically very hard to write. I cannot formalize my "story". I attribute this difficulty to my lack of writing practice/experience. My goal is to finish writing a draft that I can turned in to my advisor by the end of the month. Wish me luck :p

formatting woes

The LATEX program is driving me crazy. I have tons of figures that I need to manipulate so I can incorporate them into my dissertation tex file. How can you get rid of the caption in the subfigure? Anyone?